Barbecues vs Fake female football fans

GOOD THING: BARBECUES
I thought I would be topical with my latest additions to the blog, and focus on two of summer's big phenomena. Who doesn't love a barbecue? Even vegetarians love a barbecue, as demonstrated by my fiance, who is trying to persuade anyone he knows with a grill and a garden to have one. Obviously, chowing down on Quorn sausages and burgers isn't quite the same thing - especially as you don't get that lovely, and slightly dangerous, pink bit in the middle of your meat. Whenever this happens (usually when dad is in charge of the grill), it's time to consult your mum as to whether it's safe to eat. With the combination of charcoal, accelerant and raw meat, it's a wonder there aren't many more deaths from barbecue-related food-poisoning. Anyway, the great things about barbecues are that they bring everyone together and they are associated with long, balmy summer evenings - about as rare as hen's teeth in this country. If your dad is barbecuing, the evening begins with half an hour of swearing and adding more fire-lighters. About 93% of regular meals taste better than barbecued food (often chargrilled to with an inch of their life), but this is completely beside the point. It's a great feeling to have a blackened sausage and a kebab that fell in the ash placed on your plate alongside the obligatory salad. Cue generous globs of ketchup to combat the taste of charcoal. It's also fun when your barbecue stays lit long enough for you to bake bananas or toast marshmallows, two-thirds of which end up dropping unceremoniously into the ashes. This is the point where you dust the ash off and offer it to an unsuspecting family member. The perfect end to a British summer evening.

BAD THINGS: FAKE FEMALE FOOTBALL FANS
Ah, the World Cup. England flags fluttering from every fixed point in the country, grown men falling drunkenly in the street - and the unsavoury appearance of The Fake Female Football Fan. It's easy to recognise this species; they sport an England shirt (child-size - wouldn't be seen dead in anything baggy unshapely) with their denim mini-skirt, have a bottle of blue WKD in their hand and wiggle along in an infuriating manner to the various chants from their male counterparts. You may also see them wearing one of those crap high street shop England tops, produced by the likes of Next, Primark, Top Shop etc. Half the time these tops sport a saying such as 'Show us your balls' or 'England's Top Scorer', which should give you license to drive a right-footed volley straight at them. These girls are likely to call football 'footie' (see the offending pic, above) and talk about which of the England players they fancy the most - something that their male friends ignore or roll their eyes about in response. Deservedly so. It's not unusual to hear them ask asinine questions about the colour of the teams' strips, David Beckham's tattoos and whether Joe and Ashley Cole are brothers like the Nevilles (not really - I made that one up, but I wouldn't put it past some of them.) In the same breath, I would also like to defend the many women out there who are genuine football fans, who are devoted to their local and national teams and who can explain the offside rule very succinctly. It's a safe bet that they won't be drinking blue WKD and talking about Michael Owen's legs.