The Apprentice vs Robbie Williams

GOOD THING: THE APPRENTICE

A very sizeable percentage of reality TV is crap, but there is something that redeems both the UK and US versions of The Apprentice. Maybe it's because the result is already determined, and the audience at home have no say in the outcome. Or maybe it's because Donald Trump and Sir Alan Sugar are simply - and inadvertantly - more entertaining than a thousand wannabe singers, or a bunch of nobodies confined in a house together.

There's nothing to say about the Trumpster's hair that hasn't already been said before (in fact, it should have it's own listing as a Bad Thing), but it deserves a series in its own right. Obviously, there isn't a single person in his life who dares to call him out on it - or perhaps the hair itself is the source of his great wealth and power...? Anyway, head-rug aside, I still wonder how on earth Trump has built up a multi-million dollar empire. He just doesn't seem very smart. His comments to the contestants are asinine and his business 'tips' are so trite and bleeding obvious that it's laughable. But still 'America's finest' (ha!) throw themselves into the chance to work for him. Rather worryingly, I had a slight crush on last year's winner, Kelly, who pretty much everyone described as being an automaton...

And it's not much better in the UK. Sir Alan Sugar can at least style his hair (what's left of it), and seems to know a bit about business, but would you really want to have to work for him? Is money that important? Perhaps not, as the calibre of the contestants in the second series has taken a sharp dive - anyone with any sense has decided to stay put in their job.

I honestly don't know who should win this series, because I'd rather swallow mercury than work with any of them. I have a grudging respect for the Badger (or Ruth Badger, as she probably prefers to be called professionally) because she can actually sell stuff, but she also has a face like a slapped backside. I absolutely cannot abide Paul, who is clearly proud to be a misogynist idiot and will never be lonely because he loves himself to such a degree. The others should just go home before Mr Amstrad points the fickle cockney finger of fate at them. Sir Alan will live to regret striking this deal with the BBC.

BAD THING: ROBBIE WILLIAMS

There are very few people on whom I would happily inflict physical pain. Robbie Williams has the dubious honour of being one of them. I had the misfortune of being a teenager when Take That were at their 'height', and even then I thought Robbie was a talentless gimp.

Despite his inexplicable success, to me Robbie is little more than a Butlins redcoat who has somehow made it big. See him working the crowd at a summer music festival and you'll get what I mean. Hopefully, his career will take a nose-dive at some point soon, and he'll end up entertaining lobster-burnt families in Bognor Regis.

I don't know quite why I dislike him so much. Obviously, his music is dire in the extreme, but that's the case of many, many other 'musical' acts. I think what it is is the persona he likes to project. In his songs and in the press he likes to paint himself as a wounded lost soul, who craves privacy and a quiet family life. Turn over to the entertainment page and you'll find him parading around in the limelight, shouting about how much money and success he has. Strangely, you can't have it both ways.

And what's more, the name 'Robbie' just really annoys me. Be a Rob, a Bob or a Bobby (if you really have to), but don't be a Robbie - it makes you sound about 2 years old. Saying that, when he's 40 he'll probably reinvent himself as a 'serious' singer and make a comeback as Robert Williams, singing ballads and standards on Radio 2. And then head off to Bognor...