Ikea vs Tom Cruise

GOOD THING: IKEA
I know what you're thinking - how could Ikea ever be classified as a good thing? Well, nuts to you because I like the place and its strange Scandinavianism. Where else can an impoverished student or aspiring 'young professional' buy stuff that at least gives an impression of homeliness and cool? Before Ikea, you had to get your crap flat-packs from the notorious MFI or - even worse - from Argos. Okay, so Ikea is absolutely hideous at the weekend and during the school holidays (parents seem to think an outing to buy bedside tables can pass as an adventure), and the draconian one-way system can sometimes trip you up, but how can you criticise a furniture store where you can get a bed for £12.50? (or something not too far off...) Everyone talks about their affection for the bizarre Scandinavian names for the items, but there is also something endearing about the fact that some things just don't travel well - certain fittings, fixtures and furnishings are clearly not designed for 1920s suburban English semis, but never mind. It does worry me sometimes how Ikea can afford to be so cheap - either there are some very poorly paid Swedes or we're all in danger of our furniture causing grievous injury. Or maybe some things really are as good as they seem. I also like the way that Ikea is a great social leveller - people of all classes in the UK have a Billy bookshelf and a stash of those useful blue carrier bags (Ikea products often crop up in Neighbours as well - good to know that the Viking invasion has spread so far.) Even the cafe is bargainous - it's not exactly eating in style, but you can get a very tasty plate of Swedish meatballs for a few quid, plus endless refills of tea, various open sandwiches with ubiquitous herring, and a selection of cakes that mostly feature Dime bars in some way. I feel the urge to buy a coffee table coming on...

BAD THING: TOM CRUISE

I've never been a fan of 'the Cruiser', and have certainly never found him attractive - though I'm sure neither of these things are going to cause him to lose sleep. I will admit right now that I think he's given some very good performances in some very good films (Collateral, A Few Good Men, Born on the Fourth of July), the man also irritates me almost as much as jazz music. He does variations on two different facial expressions - smug and troubled. Smug Cruise is just itching for a slap (see Top Gun, The Color of Money, Mission: Impossible and about 70% of the rest), and troubled Cruise just makes you want the pain to intensify. Perhaps the lowest point of all was Jerry Maguire - why on earth did anyone like that film? It ranks as the most overrated film I think I've ever had the misfortune to sit through (Vanilla Sky was rank, but I didn't expect that to be any good) - I turned the TV off and just thought, 'Wha..?' If his screen persona wasn't annoying enough, Tom Cruise's 'real life' antics are enough to push anyone over the edge. Scientology is clearly bonkers (why would any sane person follow a religion dreamed up by a sci-fi writer - and a not-very-good one at that?) , but that aside he comes across as a big ol' control freak who is so upbeat that it's actually sinister. Although not everyone is saying it, it's clear that most people are wondering what on earth Katie Holmes is thinking, and whether she's been hynoptised by Cruise's eerily blue eyes or stunned by his magnesium-white teeth. In my opinion, the man needs watching - I think he might be plotting to ensnare us all and create an uber-race of Cruise spawn. ..